| Monday, September 19, 2005 | |||
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when i get up in the morning i have to draw that smile you wont see on my face. things have sucked and people are dying and i don understand why they are happeneing to me. why in my life why this summer. why are things piling up on my already crazy and screwed up life. that's what i'm wondering. does God really exist and what's this all mean? i try to talk sense to myself and i may or may not listen, but in the end i don't know and cant decide i just want things to be alright. i want things to be what i consider normal now, but at the time they didtn seem so normal. maybe life is just perception and if we think things are going bad right now just wait becaus they can get worse and youll be wishing things were less intense. so just be gratefull for today and forget about yesterday. dream about tomorow but dont underestimate your life. dont forget about your life and your dreams and everything you want to be and more. liberated at 1:35 am Make A Comment
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None of this will make any sense to anyone. Don't bother trying to make sense.
everything I do How should I feel when you make me feel like this? Everything I've been going through everyting I do seems like it shouldn't be done, or maybe in a different way. you are never pleased with what I do. even when I do things how you say I should you say they could have been better. even when i try my best you have to fucking bitch at me. i will never be good enough in her eyes because she's a fucking queen in her mind and she has already recruited her followers and when they arent happy she isnt happy so they have to go and make everyone miserable to get their kicks. i hate her fucking really bad and i really wish she'd die and go to hell because living with her is what hell is. just because she's fucking old and "experienced" means (in her mind) she can do whatever the hell she wants to do and say and it's okay because it's her. what the fuck ever. she knows crap or else her life and her kids life would be different and better. but because she's been the witch she's been her entire life my life is hell right now. i cannot bite the hand that feeds me so I will say nothing to her. just because I fucking live with her doesnt mean she has the right to even think that she can run my life and make all of my decisions for me. although I am not an adult i am not a child. i have had experience with the world of which she has none. but that little fact she does not realize because she is so wrapped up in herself and her world. her world is now dead int he eyes of the new generation, my generation. The generation which will take over someday soon and her generation will only be remembered in facts and photographs. I know how my world works and how to survive, and when I practice my tactics and lifestyle she butts in and begs to differ, even though she has now clue what she's talking about although she thinks she does. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree while i blow fumes at her. why does she think she's a queen? When I am older and am making an independant life for myself, and she needs assistance from me or my family, I wiill look at her and tell her what she's doing wrong, just as she has done to me. then she will feel the amount of anger and hatred towards me as I hold for her at this very moment. who am I talking about? Her. Fuck her I fucking hate her. That bitch. Ugh.
So now it seems that I have no place to vent my feelings. I mean, used to I'd go to her or blog on my website. Now I have neither Jo nor my website. Until now I have not realized that because I've been otherwise occupied with "baggage". I have realized that from the moment I realized Andrew really liked me over a year ago I have slowly let myself go. I quit worrying about my hair and I quit watching my weight. I didn't wear makeup as much and I wore pj's everywhere. After himand I split it got worse. I quit caring completely about all those things. I was totally plain jane. Then after a few months of that I realized how awfully dull I was. I started getting back to my old self and now I can't imagine what I was thinking NOT doing my hair or makeup. It makes me feel better whether anyone thinks that's right or not. I like myself on the inside and I always know what I'm talking about. I know my intentions and I of course agree with them, or else why would I have them. Ya know? Curling my hair makes me feel pretty on the outside and having eyeliner on makes me feel better. So what. For some people it's having their designer clothes on that make them feel pretty or better. I've been reading in the Bible and some other various books. I've been trying to make sense of everything and cope nicely. I've accepted Jesus as my Savior and God as the One. Instead of worrying about all the problems in my life I have trusted in him and things have been turning out fine. Nothing is going to come of me worrying except health problems. I've been praying and meditating and trying to be the best person I can be. Things you have in this life will not carry on after you pass away. They don't bury your money or clothes with you, because they aren't yours anymore. So I have come to this: I will not stress about material stuff anymore. I can (and need) to be content with what I have and not worry about what I want. God will give me what I need and that's all there is to it. I will trust in Him. She lately has been a bit annoying. I guess it's just the age difference and stuff. She has no clue where I'm coming from. I have no clue where she is coming from. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes and a lot of the times I do see her argument but I don't agree with it. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I don't . And for some reason I don't meet her qualifications of what a person should be. It's like she still see's me as an immature child, when I'm not. She has no clue what I've gone through or what or who I am. I told her that once and she came back at me with "Well you don't talk to anyone that I know of." And I'm like "EXACTLY!" I don't like talking to her because all she can do is judge me and second guess me. I may talk to her about things and I pray that she doesn't tell her, and I guess she hasn't since she doesn't know about those things. She just has no clue about what she's talking about half the time. I feel like I'm doing good one minute and then the next she tells me what I'm doing wrong. I can never win with her. I nor my siblings will ever be good enough for her. For example, she was going to let him and him and me and her and her drive her car to OK for the family vacation with her. But then all of a sudden he decided he had to work (later to find out he didnt, he lied) and then he didnt want to go so then she decided I wasn't capable of driving there alone. WTF?! Am I not older than him? More responsible? More mature? I think so! I've drove more places than either one of them by myself. My grandma lives out in the country in OK and I found her place okay with directions. But according to her I'm not capable. So basically she called me plain stupid, and I told her that, and she got all hissy pissy and left. That bitch. That stupid fat ass prejudice asshole jerk of a bitch. I'm sick and tired of being treated this way by her. I can't do anything because I'm just 19. Fuck that, fuck her. He went through all my stuff over the weekend. Used my crest white strips which are EXPENSIVE! Why the fuck does he think he can dig through other peoples things and then make a big deal about his damned inexpensive lunch meat?! I don't understand him. Never have never will. He's just a big jerk off asshole. Son of a bitch is what he is. liberated at 1:28 am Make A Comment
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| Tuesday, August 30, 2005 | |||
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This entry will probably make no sense to anyone, if anyone even reads this. Comment if you like. First off...you know by reading my previous entries that Jo died. Second....my dog died just a few weeks ago. It's totally sucks. I was at disney world and he got ran over while I was gone. I came home and my family told me. I cried hysterically for hours. I'm just wondering why things happen like they do? Why all this bad crap to ME this summer? WHy couldn't God spread it out so I could deal with it better? I don't understand. I feel like I'm just going downhill. Just when my life was starting to look good it goes bad. WHY?! jo was my shoulder to cry on. when she died I had nobody. the only thing i held onto (like i had for the past 4 years) was dewey. now he's gone. what do I have to hold on to? What do I have to live for? I'm so mad at God and so mad at the driver who ran dewey over and so mad at my sister for not picking him up and so mad at dewey for getting out of the yard. I'm all alone now. When I go driving to "get away" he's not there for me to talk to anymore. Not there when I go to bed or get up. Not there when I get home from work or school. He's out back under a lot of dirt. On top are two rocks...on top of those is a heart shaped rock with his name. Flowers are planted. Vines growing on the fence behind. Leaves from the peach tree draped over providing shade for his grave. It's hard to go out there. Knowing his body is there. I don't even know what his little body looks like. I didnt want to know. too hard. all i konw is he's down there down. his spirit is at rainbow's bridge. waiting for me. the day he was ran over i was on a ferry going to the magic kingdom. the name of the boat was the same name as jo's full name. i sat there wondering what that meant. come to realize the next day that it was a sign from God, or Jo, or someone....that Jo was Dewey angel of death or whatever and that she was with him and he went happy. that's the only way she would have had it. I asked her, after she died, to do that deed of taking us up to heaven. And she did. She took my baby when it was his time. SHe always wanted to be an angel...now i KNOW that she is. Guardian angel...death angel....birth angel...angel in general....i dont konw.....all that matters is that she is one. sometimes I feel her presence so strong. there are moments when I KNOW she's with me. There are moments when I know dewey's with me. I had a dream with dewey the other night. it was so sweet. I wish I could have dreamed that one forever. I held him again. I looked into his eyes and just savored his presence...knowing I'd wake up too soon. You know in that movie Saved how she says she wants to go to heaven and then starts to walk in front of a car? That's how I feel. I just want to go up there. I wish someone would kill me. I wish something would happen so that I wouldnt have to do it myself. I want to be in heaven with my deceased pets and family and friends. THere are so many. Why am I left behind? I've accepted Christ. I'm tkaing more risks day by day so that maybe one day will be my last. But I've heard that those who want to die wont until their old. those who dont want to will soon. so maybe i should change my thinking...eh? moving to a different subject..... I think he (the ex) is trying to mess with me. I think he's trying to make me jealous or something. He's single now. He broke up with the bitch. Now she's being all nice to me since she moved far away and knows nobody. She IM's me all the fucking time! And he's been really nice to me. He asked me what I thought of a girl...whom I know he's seeing....and then we (er he) starts talking about their "thing" and asks me about any of my "things" with any guys. So listened to him and told him. Gosh it hurts. I don't know what he's doing. I wish he'd quit. I wish we wree back together. I'm grown up now. I'm not that same little girl. I'm the same person...but grown up. I love him, i think..... liberated at 3:39 am Make A Comment
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| Friday, July 15, 2005 | |||
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Lots has happened. First of all, one of the greatest women I'll ever know (Jo) died last month. That's reallly sad but it's great for her, but really sad for me. I could always go talk to her whenever I needed something or ANYTHING, she was always there. It's been tough and I don't think it's even fully hit me yet that she's gone. I think it's one of those things where it just creeps up slowly and agonizing. Little by little I realize she's not there anymore and little by little I cry. I don't know what's worse, getting out all my grief at once or this way. I guess I just feel bad because I'm not as "down" as everyone else about her death, but I know this is how I deal with these situations (death). I'm sure people understand. Anyway, the title of this entry is from a song that is stuck in my head. "...And I keep on thinking 'bout you sister golden hair surprise and I just can't live without you can't you see it in my eyes..." I really don't know anyother words, but those are in my head, and they remind me of Jo. As for me and that guy I tend to talk about in previous entries, he's over with. I mean I'm totally over him, completely. We've seen each other a few times around town, and we've had our chances to be "alone" and all that entails, but we (or I) just don't have any interest in him anymore. That's not to say I don't hate his new bitch/my ex best friend, because I do hate her. I guess I could start revealing my identity little by little now that I'm threw with him. It's all complicated, but anyway, Hi. My name, for now, is Hannah. That's not to say that's my real name ;) liberated at 1:35 am Make A Comment (1)
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| Wednesday, May 11, 2005 | |||
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So here I am. Semester is over officially for me tomorow at around 9 am and by this time tomorow I'll be back in my hometown. A lot awaits me. I've had such an amazing experience here and everywhere I've been since I left there. I've become the independant woman I've always wanted to be, that I somehow forgot about while lost in my romance with him. I forgot how I dreamed of living alone and being single and depending only on me myself and I. It took my a while to recall those dreams after the breakup, but eventually I remembered. I remembered. But I also had built new dreams of which were including the love of my life. I had to move past those and I think that's one of the hardest things I've done to date. I've had to grow up and move on because I can't dwell on a relashionship what once flourished. I've become a strong independant person of whom I am proud of. I love being me and this is the happiest I've been in my life. No matter what life has in store for me, I know I can handle it. I've managed to live through this past year and a half, and I'm able to go back to the place where I felt like I was living a hell on earth, and I feel completely fine. I can go back and hold my own hand because I know I'm honest with myself and I don't let petty problems of the past boggle me down. There will, of course, be the people who will try to bring me down, but I'll just smile and say, "Thanks." because without those people trying to bring me down, I wouldn't be the person I am today. liberated at 11:06 pm Make A Comment
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